248 East 7th Street, #17-18 - $575,000 - 800 sq ft

The ultimate fixer-upper, this quite charming 2BR with a low $600 per month maintenance located in the ghetto fringe on 7th between Avenue C & D, is described by Corcoran as having "good bones". Creepiness aside, we enjoyed contemplating the possibilities in this crumbling apartment, which features beautiful exposed brick walls and has a rare 4 exposures with windows on all sides of the apartment.

Almost needless to say, the kitchen is a disaster (we're sure there were appliances in there, but it's hard to remember them when looking at cabinets from 1958) and the bathroom similarly needs a full overhaul. We also don't like the idea of renovating a 4th floor walk-up (is Corcoran throwing in a chiropractor?) although we do think the apartment has tons of potential. You also get what you pay for in maintenance with this super old building that reminds us of a Columbia dorm, but I guess you can't have it all.

Overall this apartment is cute and we're not really surprised that it went into contract today, although we will of course keep an eye on that final sales price.

115 East 9th Street, Apt 18D - $675,000 - 715 sq ft

"Is it 2006 again?" we wondered as we walked into a full brunch open house, complete with fruit (not ghetto fruit either, we're talking blackberries, blueberries etc.), bagels, coffee and even mimosas! Quite an odd juxtaposition of glamorous brunch food in a decidedly unglamorous 1BR in need of a serious renovation.

This apartment has a pretty typical 1BR layout, with a small (but renovated) galley kitchen and a decent-sized bedroom next to a fairly large living room. The balcony is quite nice in this unit (and much larger than it looks in the Corcoran ad) and the east-facing view is truly spectacular. Unfortunately, the hype ends here, as this parquet-wonderland pretty much requires brand-new everything (floors, doors etc.) including the removal of the huge mirrors in the living room (what, do they shoot So You Think You Can Dance here on the weekends?).

In addition to the free brunch (which was really lost on all two of the skeptical buyers that we saw attend this open house), we were quite surprised at the entourage that the Corcoran agent had with her. In addition to the ubiquitous "I'm just here to learn" sidekick (let's call her "Johnny Drama") who spent the entire time arranging fruit, we were also surprised to meet "Turtle", a Wells Fargo mortgage banker who was happy to discuss our financing needs. After having about enough of this apartment (which by the way, is not priced badly given it's location, size and outdoor space), we were escorted out by Johnny Drama (the co-op rules require an escort which we think is a sign of a pscyho board).

Let's Go See the "Mystery Writer" Apartment!

We were so intrigued by this Curbed article commenting on the listing of Gary Shteyngart's LES apartment that we decided to pop by the New York Times' bestselling author's 1BR located in the Soviet-esque co-op wonderland on the East River about which we have always been curious.

In addition to Gary's apartment, we ended up seeing several 1BRs in this complex, which is actually a Moscow suburb three separate co-op communities . There is the "East River" Coop (close to...well, you get it folks), the Hillman Coop (which is sliiiightly further west), and the much better located Seward community which is priced higher but is somewhat closer to hipster-filled laundromats the subway. Overall, these coop apartments are all attractively priced (listings currently run at around $621 per sq ft but many are priced lower) albeit the apartments themselves are not particularly attractive. Although we did see a couple of renovated units, most units needed a major overhaul (including some really simple basics like cleaning the windows), new floors and appliance updates.

Still, we couldn't help but be drawn into the Cold War aura of these enormous stark buildings and can imagine how the area (maybe in the winter? maybe with fur?) can make you feel part of the landscape of the charming Russian Debutante's Handbook or the wild ride that is Absurdistan.

As far as Gary's actual 1BR, it's quite well-maintained and spartan (duh) although we did enjoy some well-placed Soviet irony such as the picture in the kitchen of a Communist building exterior and a cosmonaut (what?) candy bar.

We also loved peeking into the reading life of Gary Shteyngart (one entire wall of the living room is taken up by books) and are pleased to note that he loves Absurdistan as much as we do, having approximately 10 copies of just that title on his shelves (see the porntastic, "we're just checking our email and not taking photos on our Blackberry" image above). Unfortunately, we were shooed away by the agent before we could find "R" for Russian Debutante's Handbook, but we know it's there somewhere in every language too.

"As If" (The Overpriced Apartment of the Week) 533 East 6th Street, #6 - $849,000 - 1080 sq ft

We thought we were going to see an underpriced wonderland as we wandered toward this apartment on Avenue B last week. After all, we said, Avenue B is far from the subway and still developing a vibe, so $849k for just over 1,000 sq ft seemed like a reasonable price for what looked like a beautifully finished 3BR floor thru apartment.

Instead, we couldn't believe it when we arrived at this unit and discovered (by running around the ground floor and peering into every rectangular shape that looked like it could hold a person) that this place is an fcuking (not the clothing retailer) 6th floor walkup. "Oh why the heck not?" we said as we climbed stair after stair - we've walked all the way to Avenue B, we might as well see the unit.

After finally arriving at the 6th floor, we wiped off our sweaty brows and decided to have a look around as this would undoubtedly be our last visit to this apartment (unless a helipad is being built on the roof deck that is oh so accessible from the 6th floor). What we found was quite fascinating - this place is actually some artist's studio (and boy is that obvious) complete with only 1 BA, an industrial "kitchen" (basically a huge sink to wash your paint in and a fridge) plus no W/D (ummm...are we actually supposed to carry our laundry somewhere?).

Overall, although the floors are nice and there is (sort of) some square footage in this unit, the asking price is completely ridiculous. Maybe if Halstead gave us an airlift into this place, we'd think about seeing it again.

CILF of the Week - 107 Avenue A #3F - $799,000 - 751 sq. ft.

This week's CILF is the charmingly overpriced, fantastically located, beautifully renovated Alphabet City East Village gem of a 1BR, 2BA condo. Although we continue to scratch our heads about exactly why it is necessary to have 2 bathrooms in a 750 square foot space (can't...make...it...one...more...step), we love the renovations in this light-filled apartment in an elevator-building amidst a sea of horrifying walk-ups.

A reasonable maintenance and taxes charge of $861 per month complete the picture in this unit, which is located right next to Tompkins Square Park (it has legitimate park views) on one of the most fun blocks in the East Village. Additionally, the floors look even better in person than in the photo and the kitchen is great.

Is it overpriced? You betcha, but we'd still love to live here.

77 Bleecker Street, #221 - $575,000 - 675 sq ft

We kept wondering if we had stumbled into an NYU dorm as we wandered around the sprawling building housing this apartment. We have to say that #221 is pretty much exactly as advertised - there is nothing spectacular about this unit - it's a solid, well-maintained East Village apartment that seems reasonably priced for the current market (e.g. it may actually get an offer or something albeit 20% off of the ask). The kitchen could use a little bit of updating but is otherwise fine, the exposed brick is anti-climatic, the bathroom looks good and we like the attractive closet addition in the bedroom.

This unit kind of reminds us of the East Village snoozer that we saw last week that is currently in contract. We would not be surprised if someone bought this apartment (again, at a discount to the ask) in the near-term.

753 East 5th Street, #4B - $850,000 - 750 sq ft

"Is Avenue D still ghetto fabulous without the 'fabulous'?", we kept asking ourselves as we walked and walked and walked to this apartment on 5th street and Avenue D. The answer (in case you haven't been to Alphabet City in awhile) is "um...yes" as we discovered while walking past housing projects and sketchy parks on our way to this super weird 3-year old luxury condo building in the middle of a ghetto fringe.

Oh, well we thought - at $850,000, this place will probably be magnificent because of it's subprime location on Avenue D. Instead, we were surprised to find yet another (welcome to Alphabet City) 4th floor walkup (5th floor if you count the stairs in the apartment leading to the bedroom/TV area) that was very, very small for the price (750 sq feet - are you kidding us?). There is a well-constructed loft which currently serves as a second living room, a tiny living room on the first floor and a bedroom on the first floor as well. There is no W/D in this unit, although it does get good light and is overall super cute.

We went up to see the common roof deck as well (what the heck, we said, only one more flight of stairs) which was...about the size of a large terrace. Truly underwhelming - this place was a big contender for our "As if!" award for overpriced apartment of the week, however it was just edged out by the nutso seller over on Pearl.

63 E 9th Street, #3S - $715,000 - 805 sq. ft

Renovation is the word at this parquet-floor, needs paint everywhere NYUish extravaganza. I am beyond shocked at the asking price, considering that you can get a cheaper apartment in a similar location that is in waaaay better shape. The Citi-Habitats realtor (aren't they a rental company anyway?) tells us that this beauty was recently re-priced. For us to buy this, it would have to be re-priced to around $400 per sq. foot.

There is also no W/D (no possibility of), and it's a co-op that operates under condo rules (a true condop). Who cares, I think, as they can switch over to co-op rules whenever they want. Anyone have condop experiences?

99 Avenue B, #PHBC - $799,000 - 750 sq ft

Why is it so darn hot in this building? We kept wondering as we saw our second listing in this co-op where either the heat was cranked up (is Corcoran really that nuts? we don't think so) or there is some kind of issue that would require us to run the A/C or open all windows on a 45 degree day.

This apartment is definitely cool - a long hallway with a bedroom leading to an open kitchen connected to a big "lofty" living area. We were vaguely put off however by the two types of bars (huh?) on the living room windows, which look out on the large, extensive fire escape. No W/D (or possibility of) in the unit is also a minus considering that the building's W/Ds are downstairs in the creepy basement to which the elevator does not go.

The outdoor space for this unit however is spectacular (although disconnected - you have to exit the apartment and walk up a flight of stairs) in a Berkeley, CA kind of way. Cute little sloped wooden individual "plots" of outdoor space plus one common area (see the "well" post earlier).

Overall, a cute place but still overpriced.

99 Avenue B, #2F - $649,000 - 750 sq. ft

Now we're cooking! (literally, as this apartment is apparently owned by two chefs). The living room is cute and surprisingly quiet, despite the fact that it faces Avenue B. The bedroom is also cute, cheery and also faces Ave B. In a second floor unit, this seemed vaguely problematic and we would definitely want to see this puppy at night.

Now, to our favorite part. The outdoor space. Ah the outdoor space. We've never seen anything like it. Imagine a well (think creepy horror well like in The Ring or that weird movie where architectural ruins kill people). Now stand at the bottom of the well and look up. This is the outdoor space at #2F. Second floor terrace, at the very bottom of a big 6 story hole surrounded by the walls of the other units. Wait, it gets better. At the top of the well is...shared common space. That's right, drunk neighbors - all debris welcome.

77 East 12th Street, #9J - $749,000 - 800 sq. ft

A smoker lives here. A bigtime smoker - maybe a pack a day IN THE APARTMENT smoker. Over here at downtowny, we have nothing against the occasional Marlboro, but we haven't seen anything like this since empty bars pre-smoking ban.

At least the realtor didn't pull the "what smoke smell?" line that we love to hear so much from seller's agents. Instead, the good folks at Halstead admitted that the apartment belongs to a smoker and directed us to the bright (wide-open) windows in the living room instead. Too bad I couldn't hear the sales pitch over the "fresh air" fan. If you're looking for your scented candle from 1997, try this apartment - I think Halstead has them all.

30 East 9th Street, #3J - $699,000 - 800 sq. ft.

This is the kind of listing that we should stop going to see. It's a nice apartment - the floors are finished, the bathroom is solid, it gets good but not great light. In short there is nothing wrong with it...except we're into something more distinctive. Despite the listing as a "Condop", this building is a true co-op with the boardy board and everything. No W/D and a mid-range price of $699k for 800 sq. ft. complete the picture....zzzzzzzzzzzzz

111 4th Avenue, #6J - $695,000 - Unknown

This apartment looks really great doesn't it? If you look at the listing on Streeteasy.com and click-through the out of focus photos to the listing on the corcoran website, you find yourself saying "$695k? what's the catch?"

It turns out that while this apartment does have very nice floors, the living room is shockingly small with (yet again), the ubiquitous obnoxious loft placed strategically to obstruct any feeling of space.

The downstairs bedroom is painted a strange eggshell blue (think a playhouse for the Easter Bunny) and has maybe 6' ceilings. The upstairs loft is accessible by a ladder (that's right, a ladder) and can be used for...closet space.

On the bright side, the maintenance is kind of low and there is a W/D on the floor, although all of the "escorting" by the realtor from open house to open house tells me that the board in this building is probably insane.

111 4th Ave, #2F - $650,000 - UNKNOWN

This apartment was described to us as "unfinished" by the realtor. Our understanding of this is that the owners had not yet commenced outfitting the apartment with an obnoxiously large, misplaced loft that can be found in most other units.

Instead, this apartment was relatively well finished - the kitchen and bathroom definitely need an update but it's hard to focus on that when you are distracted by 14' ceilings. The apartment is not particularly large, but it is well-maintained and structurally beautiful. One other oddity about this building is that the realtor had to come retrieve us from the lobby - apparently, the co-op rules do not allow anyone to go up to apartments unattended.

Overall, at a $650k ask, the apartment is not overpriced for the current market, but could use some updating. Also, no possibility for a W/D decreases the desirability

111 4th Avenue, #5C - $740,000

The 111 4th Street Apartments are kind of nightmare lofts. #5C contains a 9-inch wide spiral staircase leading to the "bedroom" (basically a lofted storage area). If your luggage/laundry basket/small child is more than 9 inches wide, your "bedroom" will rapidly become a "closet" due to the difficulty of navigating the stairs.

The living area (in addition to containing the enormous base of the spiral staircase) has an odd wall with those art deco 1980s inset glass bricks. Behind that wall is a closet (one of the few in the apartment). The windows here also have some sort of chicken wire (seriously) on the outside, which makes you feel like you are in a chicken coop.

No possibility of a W/D in the unit completes the picture of total undesirability at this $740,000 mispriced beauty.