Truffles Tribeca (Blogger Review)

Oh we just couldn't help ourselves from stopping by this uber-weirdly marketed all rental new construction building on the West Side Highway in Tribeca. In case you haven't been in a cab in this area in awhile, Truffles Tribeca is the boxy slate gray building (thanks to Curbed for the pic) with the intensely creepy mannequins (sometimes dressed in tuxes, sometimes wearing nothing but scarves) hanging out on some of the upstairs balconies and downstairs terraces.

Although the current slogan "Repent...and Rent" is a serious upgrade from the previous "You Have to Have Swine to Show You Where the Truffles Are" (I mean seriously, what?), the building itself is far from upgraded, with a truly surprising level of on-going construction activity and almost nothing to show for it except the Sherlock Holmes-esque den "exclusive club" known as Trufflesprive (didn't we stop adding "prive" on to the end of shit in like 2007?).

When we popped by on a Sunday to check out some rental apartments, we walked over an astroturf construction zone (complete with retaining walls and an ugly path) to the doorman-manned front door. The lobby is small and unimpressive although the doorman was nice to us while we waited for our rental agent, whom I will call Gonzalo (because that's sort of how I think of him) whose real name I learned and forgot in 30 seconds while being distracted by his perfectly fitted pants and pointy gangster shoes. Gonzalo did not ask our price range (weird) but did manage to figure out that we were interested in a 1BR. He took us to the "model unit" (which is not surprising given that the entire building is still basically under construction).

The "model" 1BR is anything but. At a tiny 615 sq ft (what?) with a boring bathroom, an impossibly small living room, exactly one coat-size closet in the bedroom and a second (smaller) closet in the living room, we immediately asked how much the asking price was for a unit of this size. Gonzalo (leaning on the granite countertops in the 45 John-like kitchen, which was basically a wall of appliances in the entryway, no island) very calmly said $3015. "Do we look stupid?" we wanted to blurt out, but instead said "really? interesting" as we squeezed over to the living room window to take a look at the view (buildings, duh).

After we saw the model 1BR, Gonzalo showed us Trufflesprive ha ha ha ha. This "exclusive club" is really just a residents' lounge with some leather saddles, backgammon and a WII. There is a bar, which supposedly has a bartender (although we've walked by at night several times and never seen anyone in there) but you bring the booze and put it into your own cute little clubby locker. There is also a cheap juice machine (which you can use for breakfast in the morning) and the requisite stylish hipsters scattered around the rambling space. Oh, and normally there is an annual membership fee for Trufflesprive of $850 (come on) although the building will "waive it" for the first year.

Gonzalo claimed that Truffles Tribeca is 73% rented (whatevs) and that despite being a total construction zone with only about 4 windows lit up at night (seriously, drive by there), only one line of units is still to be built (whatevs). Even though this building is located in a great area of Tribeca, across the street from the charming "everything souffle, oui oui" Capsuoto Freres, Truffles Tribeca is basically on the West Side Highway, far from the subway, and seems to be attracting a well-heeled youthful clientele that we surmise primarily works for the US government at Citi, which is located just down the street. Additionally, we were surprised that Gonzalo would not negotiate with us on rent (huh?) but perhaps we were not swine enough for his tastes (oui, oui).